#dc signal headcanons

[yeahimcal]

DUKE THOMAS BEST BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD!!!

He smothers you with kisses and little goodies that he makes you, he’s the kind of guy to weld you a bouquet of flowers and act like it’s not the sweetest and most thoughtful gift in the entire world. He bakes you stuff. He holds you like you’re made of glass but he squishes your cheeks and peppers you with little kisses if he hasn’t seen you for a long time. He could stare at you for hours.

He’s such a words of affirmation guy. “I love you (you’re shoving cake in your face)” “you’re perfect (you’re yelling at some guy who catcalled you)” “you look so beautiful in this light (you’re in the grocery store frozen food isle)” “I wish I could stay by your side forever (you’re asleep next to him)”.

He absolutely adores you. He’ll tell you every chance he gets. And god forbid anyone mess with you, otherwise Signal shows up and scares them so bad that other muggers give you a WIDE berth. He’s scarier than Red Hood when you’re involved.

Just… ♡Duke Thomas♡…………

[demonicsuffrage]

Headcanon that when the batkids are mad at Bruce or just, mildly annoyed, they deliberately use last names that piss Bruce off, a lot.

Kidnappers over the phone: We have Richard Wayne in our custody, if you want to see him again-

Dick, mad after Bruce made him throw out the discowing suit, in a muffled voice: It's actually Richard Grayson-Kent, get it right

Bruce, on the verge of a heart attack: Chum Please

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barista at Batburger: What would you like your coffee cup to say?

Tim, not mad, just mildly annoyed at the way Bruce did the reports last night: My name is Tim Jordan-Gardener-Cruz-Scott

Bruce, clutching his Jokerized fries so hard veins appear: You're grounded

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author, at a book signing event: And who should I address this to?

Jason, after Bruce had let the Joker live yet again: To Jason Dent, please

Bruce, standing in line next to him, whom Jason had brought along to pay for the signed copy: I should make Harvey pay child support

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Announcer: And the award goes to, Ms Cassandra Isley-Quinn!

Cass, mad because Bruce missed another one of her recitals, walking up to the stage:

Bruce:

Bruce, signing to her: You're killing me, you know that? You're killing your father

Harley, sitting next to Bruce along with Ivy: Yes! That's our daughter!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke, calling some shady Gotham lawyer right in front of Bruce after he lectured him a little too much about keeping up secret identities: Hi, how much to legally change my name to Duke Thomas-Queen?

Shady lawyer: About 50$

Duke: Got it. Hey Bruce can I borrow 50$?

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steph doesn't use the Wayne name anyway, but sometimes she uses it for Benefits™

Damian would much rather die than adopt the last name of anyone in the justice league or the batrouges or anyone except his very infamous lineages, because he doesn't want to associate with incompetent people

[gothamite-rambler]

Duke Thomas gets added to the payroll

Bruce Wayne (seeing Duke walk past his office): Duke.

Duke backwards walked to Bruce’s office.

Duke: Sup?

Bruce: Did you check your bank account? The direct deposit should’ve hit.

Duke: The what? Oh you were serious about that?

Bruce: Of course, you’re not only my son, but you do work for me and you deserve an income.

Duke: Thanks dude, but I can’t take your money I work at the library.

Bruce: Duke, trust me. You deserve this. I do it for all my kids… except Tim.

Duke: Why not Tim?

Bruce: Long story… he owns part of my company, plus he- he definitely embezzled a lot of my funds before I noticed so him working at my company is his paycheck.

Duke (alarmed): That was him?!

Bruce: Yeah, but that’s not important currently. You enjoy your first payhcheck and I’m proud of you.

Duke: Thanks man.

Duke left the office, checking his phone as he walked to his room. He nearly dropped his phone seeing the four digits in his bank account that had five dollars in it three days ago.

Duke (shocked, happy): Three- Three thousand dollars?! Woooooooo! I’m eating good tonight! No wait, game stop here I come!

Duke ran out the house passing by Stephanie and Jason.

Duke: I can finally buy a PlayStation!

Jason: Wait until he finds out it’s a monthly payment.

Stephanie: I’ll tell him later. Want to go tell Tim about it first?

Jason: 100% yes.

[thefriendlyneighborhoodqueer]

sometimes i think about how funny it would be if bruce had a slight english accent as a result of alfred being the only adult in his life for most of his formative years. that or he just says british slang instead of english.

this either drives his children insane, or they think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.

__________________________

Bruce: Can you pass the chips?

Dick: Sure, B. *passes over the potato chips*

Bruce: No, the chips.

Dick: ???? … yeah? here?

Bruce: NO! THE CHIPS! *gesturing wildly for the french fries*

Damian: Father, are you having a stroke?

———

Batman: Alright, this mission is very important. It is imperative that everything goes to schedule. (shh-edule)

*red robin and red hood snicker*

Batman: *glare* As I was saying, it all must go to shh-edule…

RR & RH : *uproariously laughter *

Batman: *harsher glare* Is something funny?

RR: Oh nothing, B, don’t worry.

RH: Absolutely nothing wrong, “left-tenant”

RR & RH: *dying of laughter *

———

Bruce: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??

Duke: … You sound like Alfred…

Bruce: *horrified look over coming him* … what

Cass: *furious nodding*

*Some time later, after B has been fished out of Gotham Harbor, which he jumped into after declaring that he “couldn’t turn into his father”*

Alfred: *reaching the end of a long rant about responsibility and making sure you are keeping yourself and others safe* And what do you have to say for yourself??

Bruce: *white as a sheet* … Sorry Alfie…

*Steph is heard furiously cackling in the background*

_______________________

anyways i just thought this was fun

[jesterraconteuse]

You don't understand there's a part of me that wants Alfred Pennyworth to never age but there's another part that's like

As Alfred grows older his body grows tired and everyone notices. And for Bruce that's his surrogate father. For everyone else that's Grandpa. Immediately there's a secret boot camp in the Batcave for everyone to start learning how to better care for themselves. Selina Kyle assisting of course.

There's already disability accommodations for Barbara so they just need to tweak and add some stuff. They've learned from her needs and start researching on how to care for the elderly for Alfred specifically.

On paper he's still a butler but really everyone (who lives or stays for a long time in Wayne manor) makes sure they learn how to do the hardwork for themselves. Most of his job is just to be there for them honestly. They insist on doing things for themselves.

But Alfred is Alfred. So he knows what's going on. And he's so deeply proud of them. He doesn't let him do anything he insists he can or wants do himself. He's still his own person after all, and they gradually learn his boundaries and patterns.

Bruce keeps paying him but not in a way you'd pay a butler usually. More in a way where you'd send money to your retired parents.

Do you see my vision?

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce once made an offhand comment about how no one wears watches anymore because they all use their phones to tell time

The next day Tim buys a smartwatch

Dick straps the hourglass he got from the dentist onto his wrist

Damian carries a bunch of candlesticks with nails in them and lights one whenever he needs a timer

Jason lugs around two industrial buckets of water to make a water clock

Steph gets an antique pocketwatch but it's carried around by a personal assistant that's coming out of Bruce's budget

Barbara buys a classroom clock and keeps it in her wheelchair pocket

Cass stands in a well-lit area and checks her shadow

Duke unearths a fifty-pound sundial and names it Duke II

Bruce no longer comments on Gen Z

[violent138]

The idea of the Batkids doing normal people things while suited up is hilarious to me, you know, like Red Robin and Spoiler making the 9 o'clock news while racing through a grocery store because they totally forgot to get the things Alfred asked them to bring for the family dinner. Or Damian and Dick swinging into the Bludhaven Zoo mid-patrol because Dami really wanted to see the new baby tiger. Red Hood buying lemonade from a kid's stand and then standing there awkwardly messing with his helmet, trying not to hurt the kid's feelings. Black Bat, on a particularly tiring day randomly appeared in the nosebleeds of the ballet hall and started sniping phones out of people's hands. Or Signal and a deeply irritated Batman changing out a blown-out tyre in some back alley, earning amused looks.

[spicy-apple-pie]

Duke, coming to 38 hours later, unable to feel his hands, with a suspect in handcuffs: Wh- What just happened?

Tim: Magic my friend, magic.

Commission Info / Kofi

[oldmannapping]

Crack HC, because is there any other kind?

Bruce realises embarrassingly late that his Batkids can’t swim.

Gotham’s beach water is pure chemicals and sewage, and the city’s public school funding doesn’t exactly prioritise teaching kids to swim. Steph, Duke and Jason had never seen a swimming pool before meeting Bruce.

Tim’s parents meant to sign him up for swim lessons after he fell into their indoor fountain when he was three and nearly drowned - it would have been so embarrassing if it happened when they had guests! - but forgot.

So Bruce is like. Oh no my baby-soldiers must learn to swim.

Damian insists that since the League trained him to withstand waterboarding, he’s fine. Bruce pulls a muscle in his cheek from clenching his jaw so hard.

Dick insists that he can swim and manages one impressive mermaid-style undulation before becoming disoriented and slamming into the wall.

Duke covers himself in floaties and clings to a pool noodle for dear life, eschewing dignity because “this isn’t how I die”.

Conversely, Tim sinks like a stone, curls up on the bottom of the pool, and waits for death.

Cass, with the lowest body fat percentage, also sinks but manages to squeeze into one of the drains. She re-emerges six hours later in an estuary in New Jersey.

Steph refuses to let go of the wall by the deep end, scuttling away like a crab when Bruce tries to poke her into the water with a skimmer net.

Jason scoffs at them all and manages a perfect swan dive before flailing and crashing into Steph, causing both of them to panic and use each other as ladders to get out.

Alfred asks Barbara for the security camera footage and makes everyone watch it twice a year to keep their egos in check.

[refloralisation]

my firm and very sincere belief that the wayne family initiation orientation docket has many points, and addendums but the one on the top is:

"Don't start shit with Duke. God as his witness, he won't start shit but he WILL end it. "

and why?

because duke doesn't give even half a fuck, he can and will e v i s c e r a t e you.

Jason steals the last cookie? "no wonder your mom sold you out, you stupid bitch. not even death could bear you so you're back trying to make the rest of miserable. loser bitch. i'll crowbar your fucking face."

Tim makes a snarky, harmless joke at his expense? "Your mom probably drank that poison in Hawaii to get away from you. The constant flying about wasn't enough. She needed to get off the literal existential plane. all those times you thought you're a burden and no one loves you? you were right. fear toxin aint showing you your worst fears, its showing you the fucking truth. loser virgin. get the fuck out of my face"

so on and forth. Not even Bruce or Alfred are spared. Duke won't know proportional response if it hit him in the face. Regularly, daytime villains send batman complaint letters (!!!) about the signal, because damnit they're just robbing banks, no need to bring up their mommy issues into it??? with Duke, there is no passive there is only aggressive. You won't think it, looking into his warm brown eyes and his lovely, easy smile. but you will know it. by god, if you start shit, you will know it.

[dc-comics-enjoyer]

The Batkids doing something considered rebellious and Bruce is unimpressed because "been there, done that" headcanon :

Damian runs away and sleeps under a bridge at some point -> Bruce did it at nine years old.

Tim gets piercings (bonus : Kon pierced him) -> Bruce had his nipples pierced by Minkhoa back in the days.

Jason gets home smelling of weed -> Bruce didn't only taste foreign food around the world when he was training...

Steph gets a mohawk -> Bruce had a bright pink mohawk at some point to piss Alfred off.

Dick anonymously starts an OF -> Bruce may or may not have leaked his own sextapes (yes, multiple) for "legitimate Batman-related" reasons.

Cass accidentally joins a cult -> Bruce and Minkhoa competitively founded a cult to see who would get to be the ultimate guru.

Duke finds himself in custody for whatever silly reason really -> Bruce went to prison (more than once) (in different countries) (for terrible motives) (he's still blacklisted in some of those countries)

[batcowenraged]

i love thinking that gotham treats the bats like a sports team in terms of pride (either bc their actual sports teams don't do well or some other reason)

people have banners outside their windows of the bat symbol, schools have a "wear merch of your favorite bat" spirit days, there's graffiti portraits of the different bats and some of them take selfies with the murals of themselves, kids get "the robin haircut" and the name "robin" is higher on gotham name rankings than in other cities, people put bat emojis in their instagram and twitter bios next to "gotham" or their location, there's constant not super serious debates over who the best bats are, everytime a new or "new" bat appears there's a ton of excitement and conspiracies on twitter

[demonicsuffrage]

Bruce showing his kids affection, aka, gift-giving

Tim, who finally got a spleen transplant after Bruce had begged him a million times, returning home from the hospital: Hey Bruce

Bruce, extending papers towards him: Welcome back. These are for you, sign here

Tim: Aren't these are Wayne Enterprises papers

Bruce: Yeah it's your company now :)

Tim: What do mean it's my Company now?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

16-year-old Dick, returning home after winning his mathlete championship: What're the papers for, Bruce?

Bruce: It's your new mansion's paperwork

Dick: What?

Bruce: On your new private island :)

Dick: WHAT?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason, running into Bruce on patrol: Sup

Bruce, with a man in tow: Thank god I ran into you, Jason

Jason, eyeing the guy beside Bruce: Who's that?

Bruce: You couldn't get to family dinner last time because your bike was broken so

Jason: So you got me a guy?

Bruce: He's the new pilot for your new helicopter :)

Jason: My fucking WHAT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cass, day after she defeated Bruce in training for the first time: Bruce, where's my suit?

Bruce: Oh I gave it away to charity.

Cass: What? Why?

Bruce: I'm getting you a new suit made with triple weave Kevlar and titanium dipped resin lined with memory foam

Cass: Expensive?

Bruce: Just $1,058,600 :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, in his initial days as Robin, who hadn't killed anyone in an entire month: Good morning, Father, what are you doing?

Bruce, choosing a colour scheme for the new zoo he's about to make for Damian: It's a surprise:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke, listening to music: Man i wish someone would buy me Spotify premium so I can listen without all these ads

Bruce, handing him the deeds of Spotify the next day: :)

[erinwantstowrite]

DUKE!!!!

trying to get used to drawing duke (i feel like he looks different every time i draw him but this also happens every time i draw like. anyone. so.) i had fun doodling him he's so cutie patootie

[batfamhastwitter]

Part 22! Fun fact, Mrs Harrington is based off of an actual teacher I had, and yes, Jason's donut trick worked like a charm on her too

Prev ~ Beginning ~ Next

[confused-wanderer]

Sometimes when Dicks just too tired to deal with the batfam’s shit he starts encouraging them.

================================

Surrounded by gang members and caught in the crossfire between two gangs

Jason *pulling out a gun* : I’m gonna fucking obliterate all of them

Nightwing: Go right ahead

Jason: .. you serious? I’m not playing Dick I WILL shoot every single one of them in the head

Nightwing: sure.

Jason:

Nightwing: What you want me to start? Okay.

Jason: .. Dick why the fuck do you have a gun? DICK STOP LOADING THE GUN-

================================

At a stakeout waiting for the proof before intervening

Tim: Why can’t we just force a confession instead of waiting for him to crack?

Stephanie: Ooo or threaten him with blackmail so bad he starts crying!

Duke: Guys *eyes point to Dick sitting in a corner*

Stephanie: Right.. party pooper

Nightwing:

Nightwing: Okay got it.

*heads out*

Duke: No Dick wait! We were joking!

Stephanie: drama queen just needs a minute sunshine- wait is that him approaching the target?

Tim *who’s seen this happen before* *panicking knowing what’s gonna go down* : OH SHIT ABORT-

================================

Being stuck with a very annoying henchmen who won’t stop talking

Damian: .. Can we simply shut him up?

Nightwing: whatever you wanna do

Damian *narrows eyes*: I can’t ruin my katanna for this

Nightwing: *hands him knife*

Damian:

Nightwing: And remember, the most effective place to silence someone without causing them excruciating pain and also temporarily depriving them of air is right here *points to a small area on the neck*

Damian: ..

Nightwing: .? Go on?

Damian *putting it away* : .. no..

================================

It works a 1000 times more effectively just because either all of them are bluffing or they’re scared Dick’s not.